Only people matter, happiness is a choice and don’t be a cunt!

I was working at a plant medicine ceremony over the winter solstice last year and found myself to talking to a young man who said I reminded him of his Mum. Since he seemed to think highly of her I took that as a compliment. As we chatted I said the above three things to him at various points in the conversation and have since been musing that they are actually quite good pieces of life advice when taken together. The first, that only people matter was a thought that was quite hard for me to say out loud when I first had to find it and say it to my eldest son who was 19 at the time. He had become good friends with a group of guys at uni and one of them had accidentally knocked a glass of water onto my sons new laptop completely destroying it. My son explained the situation to me and asked if he should be annoyed and insist on a replacement. I remember this like it was yesterday because it was a really tough moment for me. That computer had been a present and the money had been hard to find, really hard, but a laptop was needed and so it had been purchased at great cost to me back then. I couldn’t help but feel hurt when I heard the news, I thought it was careless and like a piece of me had been disregarded. I stood in the kitchen leaning against the sink and thought really hard about whether my son should be angry with his friend. From somewhere deep inside came the understanding that the computer was only an object, an object that could never be as valuable as a lifelong friendship. So I said the words “only people matter, you will still be friends in thirty years and the computer would’ve  been obsolete long before then”.

My son nodded and we all went on with our lives, a second hand cheap replacement laptop was found (and I am typing on it right now) and everyone remains friends. Whenever I see that kid that spilled the drink, which is rarely, he always greets me enthusiastically like I gave him a gift so I suppose what I said in that moment was passed along and hopefully they will all remember only people matter. Of course I don’t really feel that only people matter, I care about the planet, about animals and plants. I feed the birds and put water out for the bees in the summer, I am conscientious about recycling and picking up other people litter in my local park. In comparison to an inanimate object however people and relationships and memories are just more important. About a year ago I was having dinner with a friend for her birthday and gathered were a few of us who have known each other for thirty years or more. As we scrolled through photos on my phone of festivals and fancy dress parties from twenty years ago one lady who has got to know us fairly recently was amazed at how long we have all been friends. She said as much with a look of wonder on her face and I was proud of us for a moment. Later I reflected that as we had laughed and reminisced not one of has brought up what we were doing for work when any of these photos were taken. At no point had I thought about where money had been coming from that year. We have had some interesting jobs between us owning coffee shops and book shops, being wedding planners and psychotherapists but looking back at photos we did not think of these accomplishments we only laughed at the funny stories we shared and the times we had danced and traipsed around the countryside because, really, only people matter.

Happiness is a choice?! This perhaps the hardest won piece of knowledge of the three I have listed. I am not sure exactly when I knew this to be true, it has been a slow dawning of understanding over ten years of working with plant medicines and Peruvian shamanism. I think it has been partly coming to understand that my feelings are my responsibility at all times and no one elses. That no one else can hurt my feelings, either I need to come into acceptance about something or I need to change it. When you come to know this truth in your bones you begin to see that your feelings, your mood, your point of view are all entirely within your control. When coupled with gratitude practice and making time to be purely present in a moment, the knowledge that happiness is a choice becomes a truth and is a game changer.

You could not have convinced me of that ten years ago, I was certain that I was always a victim of circumstance. Not that I have been an unhappy person, I am quite upbeat and optimistic most of the time but having had a difficult childhood I had thought I was stuck with the memories and scars for life. That I would always have a certain sadness and at times pain to reflect upon and to cope with. I did not understand that I could completely reshape my world view so I know that it sounds a crass thing to say that happiness is a choice. This is also not what many people want to hear, they want their victim hood and to wear it like a badge that makes them somehow more deserving than the rest of us. Some people are in need, they do need help and care because they are suffering and have been hurt or injured by life or childhood. I understand because I have been there and I have also found my way out so I know it is possible. I do wonder however if there is a time limit in life for choosing to be happy. Does it get harder to change the older we get? Having recently spent time with my ailing father at his various and relentless hospital appointments I think maybe it was too late for him. He was 88 and talked of his severe depression every time we saw a doctor. With limited life expectancy it was prudent to examine his quality of life and try to make it as good as possible. I think he liked to talk about his depression though. I think he thought he deserved it and wanted us to know that he suffered as if it was some sort of penance for his neglect 40 years ago. I wanted him to be happy in his final years though and I knew if my feelings are my responsibility then his feelings are or were his. I would speculate whether it was worth trying to explain the things I had learned about happiness to him but he would get annoyed when I pointed out that he wasn’t drinking enough water so I don’t suppose he would have wanted me to tell him how to be happy. Although I did tell him not to grumble on occasion when other people were doing nice things for him I ultimately decided against instructing him in the art of being happy so perhaps there is a limit on choosing happiness but its probably more about mindset than age.

So we arrive at the most self explanatory piece of life advice - don’t be a cunt! This was inspired at the time by a Christmas present I had received from a dear friend, a painting with the words live, laugh, love crossed out and underneath were painted and embossed with gold, yes you guessed it - “don’t be a cunt”. Its a simple instruction and honestly we all know what it means. Don’t be mean, don’t be selfish, don’t make drama for other people because you want attention. Don’t shift your responsibilities onto others because they are hard work. Don’t get so drunk every time you go out that your friends have to carry you home because they will get fed up with it. Really ‘don’t be a cunt’ means don’t alienate yourself from people who care about by behaving badly because you will end up alone. Its about your own self care in the end and reminds me of another set of instructions that I have for most of life considered unimportant and outdated. I was force fed Catholicism growing up and rejected christianity with a vengeance ever since however I have been drawn back to these ideas because they are actually comparable with other ancient ideas of religion and mysticism. I have been thinking about the Ten Commandments and how they might apply to modern life and ancient wisdom and wondering if there is knowledge to be gained there. I think there is, the first five of the Ten Commandments, if we think about them in an abstract way are putting our lives in perspective. The instructions are to know that we are part of something greater than us, whether you conceive of that being God or the universe or the earth is up to you. We are also instructed to remember our ancestors and in light of the modern understanding of epigenetics and the characteristics we gain from our parents and grandparents this is a practical as well as spiritual consideration. We are to keep one day of the week sacred, really good advice in our busy lives to take time and set it apart for just being and observing. There is an instruction about not worshipping false idols which in this day and age could be construed as things like money, power or shopping since none of these things bring peace ultimately. The last five commandments are about not cheating, lying, stealing, killing or being jealous, in other words - not being a cunt. Again these are all instructions about how not to harm yourself. I had always thought christian instruction was about being a good christian to get to heaven but seeing these ideas through a different lense I think they probably originally had a good message that was subverted to channel money and power away from the masses. How ironic! Im not about to be converted or born again but I will continue to look for the good in ancient wisdom and see if can use it to understand life a little better. For now I will stand by my original statements, learned through experience, self examination and interactions with other people. Only people matter. Happiness is a choice. Don’t be a cunt!