Some years ago I was working at a plant medicine ceremony for a weekend of healing with women. It was typically beautiful and profound. At the end however one woman wanted to talk especially with me and took me away into the garden to confide in me alone something that had happened to her during the ceremony. I was intrigued and then flabbergasted as she explained that she had seen during the ceremony that I was in fact channelling satan. I may not even be aware that I was doing this she continued, I must have inadvertently looked at a website that connected me to the devil without my awareness after which I was working black magic. Conveniently if I had a spare couple of thousand pounds, money for flights and could take time off work immediately for the following two weeks she could introduce me to a shaman in the amazon jungle who would be able to rid me of this black magic so that I would no longer have to do the devils work without even knowing. I would be healed and back walking in the light. This lady was absolutely serious and I have no doubt that she completely believed all this to be true. She was clearly under some sort of spell herself but whether it was her own delusion or she had someone pulling her strings from afar I will never know.
I was stunned into silence and quite upset by this incident I wondered if I had indeed done anything inadvertently that could have spread darkness into the room I had certainly had some strange thoughts throughout the weekend and people carry all sorts of energies at times. Could I have been responsible for the heaviness I experienced on occasion that weekend? We tend to talk about heavy or light energies in healing circles rather than good or bad however use of the word satanic definitely expresses a lot more than heaviness. I went to talk to the ceremony holder who laughed it away “you are not a proper shaman until someone has called you a sorcerer or accused you black magic” she said. So it seems it comes with the territory. I never signed up for this kind of thing though. Actually I never signed up for anything at all, ever, this work has just sort of grown on me but I do not like this side of it althoughI know it goes on. Thankfully I confided in someone else I knew quite well and she promptly pulled a face and did some impressions from The Exorcist which had me in hysterics while we cleaned up the kitchen. My mood lightened and I forgot all about black magic for a couple of years.
When I was subsequently on a pilgrimage to Peru for training and sightseeing I had a coca leaf reading from the famous shaman Freddie Puma at his compound and he explained that there was a lot of jealousy around me. Lots of people were wishing me ill apparently. I had progressed in my spiritual practice and received initiations that they felt they too should have. This sort of energy is well known in many spiritual practices and has been for thousands of years. Mal d’ogo or envidia in Spanish translate to the evil eye or envy. Many ancient traditions believe that talking unkindly about someone or being jealous causes harm to that person on an energetic level. The jewish mystics talk a lot about this in Kabbala advising that we speak highly of people if we want to be thought well of ourselves. Cultures all over the mediterranean use blue and white circular talismans to ward off the evil eye. The symbols apparently linked to the lost city of Atlantis and its concentric rings of living spaces, such was the power of protection deemed to emanate from this ancient city.
I honestly could not think of anyone who would wish me bad luck enough to send spite or anger but the following year I did indeed hear that someone was trying to send spells of black magic to give me a sore throat. It seemed to be working and in fact I was told that the reason this spell was sticking to me was because I had not expressed my upset at certain behaviours this person displayed. I had wanted to keep the peace so kept quiet and the result was that I had given them some power over me. Energy whether it is heavy or light needs something to attach itself to. We can receive an ungodly or even godly amount of healing from many sources but if we are not able to receive it it will not stick permanently. We will instead return to our previous way of being after a time. In order to heal from my continuing sore throats and colds I had to express myself to this person and take my power back. This was a difficult process for me but I had to go through it while at the same time wishing them all the success they want in life. I had to mean it too and I did because I want the best for myself so that is what I need to put into the world if that is what I want in return.
That is how energy works. Anyone can spit in their hands with some herbs and send out hate and anger to others. We all have that experience, we all know what those emotions feel like. To be a healer however requires you to heal yourself first. You cannot be a healer and resort to black magic, you have to pick a side. It was never my intention to become a healer I just wanted to heal myself, to feel happy. Over the years though I have healed, I have overcome a traumatic childhood, abusive relationships, bankruptcy, ill health, grief and heartache to name a few. The traumas and difficulties I have worked through have become my medicine. I offer a healed version of myself to a medicine space. The people that gravitate towards me either in a ceremony or in life are in need of a piece of that same healing. They are subconsciously or sometimes consciously wanting to experience the same healing that I have found from all that work, and it has been a lot of work. I have dedicated my life to my own healing for over ten years with trips to the jungle and mountains of Peru. Years of training that is ongoing and never ending. Journal upon journal and research for years on end trying to understand and find forgiveness and I have. I am not about to undo all that work by allowing anyone to make me angry enough to send malice or spite them. That does not mean I don’t get angry sometimes, of course I do but I know it is on me to assess and fix. I have learned that no one else can hurt my feelings, only I can hurt them by not processing something that needs to be looked at or worked through. So you see you have to pick a side. I have chosen being a healer, or you could argue that it has chosen me, it is a constant task that I must keep reflecting on. It is the way I find meaning in all the horrors I have endured at the hands of an alcoholic mother and to carry on I must keep seeking the truth and working on myself. I can take a break, sure but undoubtedly something will pop up to poke at my feelings and give me something new to unpack. I intend to carry on indefinitely.
I have heard similar stories from my teachers. My Maestro from the jungle tells of being given a choice to work as a healer or sorcerer. He was told that being a healer is much harder but he chose that path anyway. It is harder because it is a life long path of self acknowledgement striving for the best version of yourself. He returned after his training to find his village completely gone. No one left that he knew or remembered. When setting up his centre he was conned out of $150 thousand which might as well be a million in the UK given comparable costs. Despite his difficulties in life he offers profound healings and teachings and speaks mainly of love. We must love everyone and all things, his beautiful icaros speak of loving the plants, animals, stars, moon, sun and earth. Most importantly we must love each other and yet people in the UK who have never met him talk of sorcery and black magic, it is almost comical. Not that I would want to get on the wrong side of him mind you, it should be noted that customs, manners and expectations can differ greatly in deepest darkest Peru.
Likewise my dear teacher and friend in the UK is constantly working on herself to be a better person, better teacher and healer. We speak regularly and always of whatever new understandings we have learned about ourselves and how we intend to transform and continue healing. I am fortunate enough to have friends, families and even children who have similar mindsets, wanting to keep growing and learning about themselves. I believe as humans we are wired to be awestruck by transformation. The seed that germinates, the child that grows, the team effort that elevates us all while we watch transfixed and in wonder. So we must all keep talking, being vulnerable, sharing our stories in order to transform. This is the important part we share our stories, our experiences, our healing, for this is our medicine, this is what we can bring to a space. The minute we are sharing experiences we have heard as hearsay or rumour we no longer can be sure of authenticity.
Words and thoughts cast spells on us and others. Curses can be thoughts turned into toxic obsessions. We can bring them on ourselves or pass them on to others with our worry and anxiety becoming a heavy energy we have to carry around. If we are thinking and talking about the darkness in others they are holding up a mirror to the darkness in ourselves. That darkness is what the heaviness of gossip and lies can stick to. The easiest way to avoid all this is to hold everyone in highest regard unless we have personally experienced their behaviour as poor. Even then we might choose to avoid that person yet still consider them an innocent given their lack of understanding. My Maestro from the Amazon would say “if you meet black magic then send in love”.
If you do ever meet black magic or someone talking about black magic and sorcery consider what they hope to achieve from that interaction. To spread distrust, to pull someone down in your estimation, to elevate their own work? Are they seeking money, respect or power? These are all attributes that allow us to feel safe in the world, it is natural to look for these things if we are in any sort of fight for survival. If we have been through trauma or money worries we are seeking the security our nervous system craves. However if anyone starts talking about black magic or the darkness in others that is what they hold in themselves and they are best to avoided and prayed for. They are on their own downward spiral, to be on an upward one we wish everyone well and speak of them highly to others. This is not always easy so sometimes it is best to say nothing. The irony is that those who are warning of darkness and black magic are telling you what they deal in for they are spreading those very things themselves. Perhaps innocently but this is perhaps the most fundamental teaching of ancient and spiritual cultures, what you put into the world is what you get back. Karma, ayni, luck, reciprocity, call it what you will, what you think is what you see, what you give is what you get, what you choose is what you feel so choose wisely.
